Warning: This is going to be very much like a rant. Recommended not to read! 

What did I do to the Fantasy football gods? Why have they forsaken me? Yes my team is not playing AMAZING and yes my RB1 is on IR, but 0-3? It just doesn’t make sense, so I dove deeper. This league right now is FULL of misleading records. Currently I have the 3rd most points in my division (7th overall) and the most points against in the entire league, BY LIKE 70 POINTS (120 points more than the lowest points against)! Right now, Fantasy football is BULLSHIT. The good news is, that means it is super realistic because the NFL is also complete bullshit. This roughing the passer thing needs to be figured out. This is not just bitter Packer fans losing their minds; commentators and fans nation-wide are in agreement. I did not hear one take that either of Clay’s hits should have been a penalty, not one. Lets not even talk about MNF! Was there like 7 roughing the passer calls? These are typically massive momentum and game changing calls!!! Until this year, I was never the person concerned about the NFL “getting soft.” Protecting players brains makes a lot of sense to me, but this is not that. This is complete and utter bullshit.

All that being said, let me spend some time looking at all your shitty teams;

Through 3 weeks, Jon’s team is clearly the team to beat again this year. Current reigning  champion raining down 380 points is no doubt impressive. That is the most points in the league by a staggering 50 points. Nearly 100 points more than a lot of teams. The only other undefeated team is Nick who comes in with 311 points, 69 points less. 311 is good for the 4th most points though and a blessing of a schedule has allowed Nick to remain undefeated. At the end of the day, who cares about points, gotta rack up those wins now to make the playoffs.

The entire Premium League is basically 2-1, so I won’t get too deep into them but if I don’t at least mention someone they cry for weeks about how I don’t pay any attention to their pathetic team. So here we go;

Namb I Am – Props for coming out hot in your first year in the league. 329.2 points is good for 3rd most and basically a tie for 2nd most (332). A 2-1 record is probably under-achieving with that amount of points, but I don’t really want to hear about it (see above).

Football Cheesus – Currently without a QB, maybe he can look to make a trade with DTM whom he had the pleasure of beating up on this week. Sitting at 2-1 he has to be pretty happy, pretty inline with his point total of 309.

Reek Havoc – Sitting at 2-1 is a goddamn gift from God at this point. with 2 points less than me (295) and still able to muster 2 wins, please give thanks to your creator.

Fresh Prince of Gordon-Air – Same as above. I do have some advice though; maybe play OJ Howard? Just a thought. I don’t know how long you plan on skating by with your 294 point total squeaking out wins but if you plan to win this year without Bell, you might want to start master-minding some trades.

The Future – God I hope not, because if so, the future looks BLEAK! 1-2 with a 279 point total, oof. You also got your first win this week playing Weber who couldn’t muster 80 points. Don’t start someone who is out again (Fournette) or I will have to put you on probation!

I guess that brings us to the Light Division. Fitting name at this point. The leader is 2-1 with 315 total points, good for 4th highest league wide. Kevin finished 2nd last year so it is interesting to see the 1st and 2nd place finishers atop their divisons.

Then we have a depressing run of 1-2 teams with some 0-3 finishing it out. Not great boys.

Fighting Armadillos – One possible exception the the depressing comment above; Armadillos has the 2nd highest league point total. Perhaps they can bitch as much as I have.

Johnson and Johnson – Somehow this ridiculous team has a win, I am still trying to figure out how that is fair? One of the lowest point total in the league (270) and they have more wins than me. By they way, this is all with the greatest fantasy GIFT of all time; James Connor. Where the hell would this team be with Royce Freeman as RB2?!

Please do not keep reading if you enjoy happiness.

 

It’s Miller Time – This once removed champion and then 3rd place finisher is in a dark place. Seriously, this team having 1 win is the reason I think about ending it all at night. Essentially tied for the lowest point total in the league (technically second lowest 267.9) and still has a win. Demaryius Thomas is just a sad shell of himself at this point.

Team Bombien – LORD GIVE ME THE STRENGTH! We arrive on the lowest point total in the league and guess what?! Yes, a win on the board (1-2). His opponents have averaged 86 points against him, of course the lowest in the league, an actual 120 points below the highest (ME!). Major RB2 questions has to keep him awake at night.

DTM – Dan joins me in the 0-3 club with 275 points. More than some teams with a win but still good for 4th lowest. Desperate for an RB2, maybe I can help him by making that QB-RB trade love connection with Bauhs.

So there you have it, I warned you not to read this. I have been in an awful Fantasy Football mood today, getting beat up all over the place. If you are a gluten for being miserable and made it to the end; good on you. Good luck in week 4, I hate every single one of you. Feel free to talk shit about my team in the comments.